Thursday, April 19, 2018

Sorry daddy, I don’t deserve your sympathy

Dear daddy,

I don’t remember but I know the day you held me in your arms for the first time was one of the best days of your life. The journey for you as a father has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I still fondly remember your proud face when I gave my first dance performance and also the sleepless nights you carried me everywhere because I was crying of an earache. But I am so sorry daddy; I couldn’t live up to your expectations. I don’t deserve your love and respect because I ended up being just like my mom.


“But I know the day you held me in your arms for the first time was one of the best days of your life”


My entire childhood, I felt so privileged to be your daughter. I still remember when you told me stories of your travel, your shining academic and professional records. I listened to all of them doe-eyed. But mom never told me any of her stories. All I know about her were through your jokes on her, your taunts and her angry defence. I always wondered why my mom is like this. Why doesn’t she go out, work, socialise, party, shop? We never had a maid because mom never liked anyone working for her. She never even called a friend. I remember you doing everything for me. You would drop me to school, buy my favourite stuff, and take me to my dance class. And still, it was mom who would feel sick and lonely. She would always complain of weather, of a bad mood, of irritating children, of a dirty home. She never cared how hard you worked for the family.


“I remember you doing everything for me”


When I went to college, you grew old. You would struggle with my expenses and I would wish mom would have supported the household. I would dream that one day, I would become like my dad and earn a lot of money so that I can give my daddy all the comfort he deserves. I thought I was almost there but I failed miserably. I failed the same day I got married.


“I thought I was almost there but I failed miserably”


I failed even though I worked hard to secure a good job. I failed even though I could cook delicious food. Nothing I did was ever enough. I managed a household, I managed an office, I drove, I bought groceries, I did all paperwork, I paid all bills and yet, I failed. I could not fulfil my duty, I could not provide for my family. My body betrayed me and I fell sick. I had to leave my job. I was reduced to a parasite living off my husband’s hard earned money. So what I worked hard? I was a burden because I was ill. How dare I ask him to give me a short break, to help me clear dishes, to arrange clothes? Wasn’t that my job? When I earned more than him, I had to pretend that it’s not a big deal else I would have been a mean wife. When I was not earning, I had to listen to his taunts because he was a victim of pseudo-feminism. My own kind tried to help me by advising that if I don’t work, one day my husband might fall for another woman. I kept wondering, what about all those days when I am the only one doing house chores? All those days I did nothing but yet I was sick, tired and lonely. My friends were a distraction and my own family outsiders. I could share neither my money nor my sorrows with them.


“My friends were a distraction and my own family outsiders”


All those days, I missed my mom the most. I swear I didn’t mean to but I couldn’t help but notice that I am so similar to her. I have got all the love, resilience, wisdom, patience and perseverance from her. What she did for decades, I could not even do for a year. And it’s such a shame I did nothing to ease her pain. I just hated her secretly my entire life. That day I cried and opened my heart to her and she listened to my cribbing patiently and lovingly. She said she understands what I am going through and it is just a phase. She has so much faith in someone who wanted to stay away even from her shadows. I am sorry; I couldn’t share my troubles with you because you would not have understood me. You would not have understood that a girl deserves to live her own life and not her husband’s, after marriage. You would not have believed me if I had told you how heavy is the load of expectations on my shoulders. You would not have believed your ears if you would have known that your daughter is selfish because she thinks about her career, her hobbies, her dreams without her husband’s permission. You would not have believed your eyes if you would have noticed the gloom in my eyes after being criticised for everything I do. Perhaps, you would not have recognized your bright daughter losing her mind over things she hardly cared about.


“You would not have believed your eyes if you would have noticed the gloom in my eyes after being criticised for everything I do”


But so would have my mom’s dad. She would have apologized to him the same way I am doing because finally, I proved to be my mom’s daughter and not yours.






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